


Rational

by Wallwalker



Category: Equilibrium (2002)
Genre: Community: fic_on_demand, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-23
Updated: 2010-01-23
Packaged: 2017-10-06 15:25:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wallwalker/pseuds/Wallwalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jurgen had always been rational; that was how he'd survived.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rational

The popular rumor was that anyone who stopped taking Prozium, even for one day, would never want it again. That was why it was so important to keep the Equilibrium centers running, why it was critical not to let the supply ever be interrupted for any reason on any large scale. One day without Prozium, and society would collapse.

Jurgen knew that it wasn't entirely true. He was one of the few - the very few - who had been so afraid of what was happening in his mind that he'd dosed himself at the very next interval. He never forgot the sensation of feeling, however, and it had taken him months of careful searching before he'd discovered another way... discovered the Underground, where he didn't have to worry anymore about hiding places for unused doses, or about the Clerics who prowled among the people of Libria.

Jurgen almost always had some quantity of the drug in his system. He had his own intervals memorized, the half-doses and quarter-doses that he took to taper himself back to normality after the necessary full doses. Like most of the psychoactive drugs that had been commonly used just before World War III, Prozium had a rebound effect, and a particularly bad one. But the chemists hadn't addressed that problem; they had never planned for anyone to _stop_ taking Prozium.

It felt strange, taking the drug that the Underground derided as the source of all of the government's evils. But it was necessary. He, most of all, had to remain controlled, even when he was put to the test. The difference between him and any other citizen of Libria was just as he'd told Preston - he _could_ feel, when he wanted to. He could love, he could hate, he could be angry or sad or elated. But there were far too many times when he couldn't afford to be any of those things, and he would be patient. He would escape detection and so continue to lead the Underground. He would use Prozium, but only as a tool.

He was one of the few, the rational. Most of the people in the Underground didn't come to a conscious decision to feel. They missed a dose or two, couldn't bring themselves to take the drug again, and they ended up there. He was usually the one who brought them there, through whatever sort of pull he could muster. But Jurgen had tasted freedom, if only briefly - the raging of emotion inside of him, the glory and the horror of it - and he'd realized that being able to control the storms was worthwhile if it meant being able to ride them out in safety later. Only a few had come to that conclusion early on. That was what made them leaders.

Preston had not been one of his kind, to his surprise. He'd expected a Cleric to be able to come to that conclusion; he'd seen what emotion could do, at its very worst. And he'd done much of the worst that the lack of emotion could cause. Still, with all of that, he'd stumbled into the Underground just like any other foundling. He was powerful, yes, very skilled... very promising, Jurgen thought, once he learned. But he'd been so well indoctrinated into the Monastery that he hadn't learned to control himself... he'd learned to hide the feelings below the surface, most of the time, but now that they were out they were fully in control.

He'd told him not to go see Mary again. He'd seen the love and the madness in his eyes, and he had warned him, and he had honestly not expected to see him again when he left because he hadn't expected his warning to be heeded. Preston would watch Mary burn, he would be overcome... he was still a child, emotionally, because he had not spent the years that Jurgen had spent, learning to control them. He'd thought that someone would discover him, that all of this would come to nothing. But Cleric Preston was a clever man, and his cleverness had saved him from the consequences of his foolishness. Jurgen had nearly leaped out of his chair when his spies had told him that he'd managed to frame another Cleric for his crime, that he had convinced the Vice Councilor himself that his actions had been a ruse to bring his partner into the open. He'd felt the elation and the relief even through the quarter-dose he'd taken, the last tapering dose.

It was more than relief, too. Jurgen had almost forgotten how good it had felt - physical contact, physical closeness. He hadn't allowed himself that luxury for so long... affection and love made people stupid, and he knew it. He knew that Preston wasn't ready for such strong emotions, just as he hadn't been ready to watch Mary. But he'd seen Mary, and he'd survived.... Jurgen couldn't help but hope. Maybe he'd been wrong, when he'd held it all back. Maybe Preston _was_ ready, and Jurgen had been overcautious. Maybe....

He hoped that he wouldn't need another dose before Preston came back. He hoped that it would be quick, before his better judgment won out and he decided that the cleric wasn't ready.


End file.
